How To Live After Losing My Parents
Dear the Parentless Adult Who Can’t Call Mom or Dad
By Brooke
What it’s like to grow up without emotional safety, lose your parents, and become an adult with no one to call. A personal essay on grief, hypervigilance, and healing as a parentless adult.
Note for Readers:
This post discusses childhood trauma, emotional neglect, substance abuse, and grief. Please read gently and take breaks if needed. This is a personal essay, not professional or medical advice.
Growing Up Loved. But Not Safe
Growing up in my house was complicated.
My dad loved me in a big, loud way. I was the good one. The favorite.
Were you?
I got money for As on my report card and reactions for doing normal kid things. I also slept on the couch with him when he was drunk, scared he would die in his sleep. I remember him yelling, snapping, even kicking me if I moved in my sleep, then apologizing like it fixed everything.
Did you have moments like this with your parent?
I was proud to be his favorite, even when it hurt. I know he had his own pain, but sometimes I still feel like if I was really that special, he would have stayed.
The Parent Who Showed Up… But Didn’t See Me
My mom was soft.
She packed my lunches, took me to softball, let me eat what I wanted. But she never really sat me down and asked what I wanted for my life. My sister was always in crisis, and I was the calm one.
As long as I was fine, no one worried about me.
Did one of your parents show up more than the other?
Did you learn early that being “okay” meant being invisible?
College Was Survival, Not a Dream
Going to college wasn’t about dreams or ambition. It was survival.
No parents.
No safety net.
Just me figuring out how to exist.
I didn’t feel excited. I felt unanchored. I was trying to build a life without a foundation, pretending I knew what I was doing while quietly grieving the fact that I had no one guiding me.
Hyperawareness: When the Past Follows You Into Adulthood
As an adult, I am hyperaware.
I overanalyze every conversation, every expression, every moment. I scan rooms for danger without realizing I’m doing it. I want to be confident, to exist without bracing myself all the time.
I want to know what it feels like to just live without carrying the weight of my past everywhere I go.
The Jealousy No One Warns You About
I am jealous sometimes of people with moms and dads to call. People who have someone to share life with. Someone to ground them.
I scroll through pictures and feel this ache, not just because I miss my parents, but because I never really got the chance to be the carefree daughter. The kid whose world felt safe.
Are you jealous too?
Nothing is wrong with you. Longing for that connection is normal. Grieving what you never had counts too.
Why I’m Writing This (And Why You’re Here)
I am doing this because I felt alone for too long.
I want this blog to be a guide for anyone who feels the same way. If you are the child who can’t call mom or dad, if you are growing up without guidance, without home, without safety, you are not alone.
You can find comfort here.
You can find someone who understands.
You can see that life keeps moving forward, and even with grief, you can build something soft, something good, something that belongs to you.
Do you feel a little bit better knowing I can relate and feel your pain?
If you are reading this and feel lost, I hope my words reach you.
You are not alone.
With support,
Brooke
A child who still needs her parents
For the Quiet Nights
Dear Reader,
If you feel alone tonight, like you have no one to call, here’s a video that helps me when the quiet gets too heavy. I play it in the background when the silence feels too sharp.
It might help you too.
Click the link and this should take you straight to the creators youtube channel.
👉 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKbfUtLoQwE
A Gentle Journaling Prompt (Optional)
Journaling has helped me when my thoughts felt too big to hold. Maybe it can help you too.
Prompt:
Write one paragraph about a moment you wish you could tell your parent, or someone you lost, about. Good or bad. Don’t edit yourself. Word-vomit it onto paper or into a voice note.
There is no right way to do this.
You’re Not Alone. Community Support on Reddit (Free platform)
If you’re looking for others who understand this kind of loss, these communities may help:
- r/Childrenofdeadparents (https://www.reddit.com/r/ChildrenofDeadParents/)
You are also welcome to share your story in the comments of this post.
We can support each other here.